


To Have A Home

by tripleangst



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angst, Drug Addiction, Foster Care AU, M/M, Minor Character Death, Rehabilitation, past: child abuse, past: child molestation, past: domestic violence, zayn/liam brotp
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-03-25
Updated: 2013-09-17
Packaged: 2017-12-06 10:41:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 17,995
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/734747
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tripleangst/pseuds/tripleangst
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Zayn’s never had a real family before, growing up in a household with addiction and abuse from his mum’s boyfriends. Though, once she has to go into rehab, the Payne family takes in sixteen year old Zayn as a foster child, and maybe it’s not too late for him to learn what ‘family’ means.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> There is character death in this story, but it is none of the boys. *Please check the additional tags listed above, because this story does include recounts of abuse.
> 
> ***So just for funsies pretend that Liam and Zayn are both only children and these are how their parents would act. kthx. When I go AU, I go real AU, folks.
> 
> This is Zayn's story.

Zayn is sixteen when he’s sent to live with the Paynes. It’s summer. He’s met the parents three times, and on the last time, they brought their fifteen year old son Liam. Apparently Zayn’s mum needs to spend some time in rehab for a nasty meth addiction, and with no family or friends to take Zayn in, he needs to go in foster care. 

If only the woman could have gone to her goddamn job every now and then and stopped bringing abusive boyfriends over, Zayn could be smoking a cigarette by the creek with his two friends right now. The friends don’t get names, because Zayn doubts he’ll be seeing them again. It’s been months of going to court, talking to social workers, and missing school, and though Zayn was fine with the missing school part, he’s got to redo this past year. 

Once he walks into the Paynes' house, the social worker talks for a bit with Mr. and Mrs. Payne as Zayn awkwardly sits down at the kitchen table with his suitcase and Liam. When Liam looks over at him and smiles, Zayn tries to smile back but then decides to stare down at the floor. Liam’s probably judging his suitcase for being so small. Well, fuck you, Liam. Zayn’s gotten good at moving and knows what he needs to survive. Just because he doesn’t have a lot of possessions doesn’t make Liam better than him. Liam Payne with his goddamn innocent school boy look and charming parents. Yes, Liam said that all in one look. Yes, Zayn is sure of it. They are so not going to get along.

He gives himself the chance to look around the countertops to see if any special meal has been prepared for tonight. As long as it’s not peanut butter and jelly, Zayn will be happy. He hears the social worker say his name, so he instinctively looks over at the Paynes and smiles nicely. They smile back at him like they’re glad to have him here. Zayn guesses it’s going to be a chicken dinner night or something healthy like salad. Great.

After the social worker says goodbye and tells Zayn that she’ll be checking up on him in a week, Mrs. Payne tells Liam to take Zayn to his room so he can get settled in. It gives him a good excuse to explore the rest of the house, but Zayn doesn’t really plan on settling in. There are very few people that like to be around him, and the Paynes seem way too nice to put up with his bullshit.

Liam opens the door to Zayn’s temporary room, and Zayn ends up not being able to walk in just yet. He’s never seen anything like it. Their house is already the most cliched cozy home ever, but Zayn’s room is the definition of Mary Poppins. There’s a bed with a new-looking white duvet, a closet that is big enough to store all of Zayn’s clothes plus a refrigerator and maybe an elephant, a lamp by the bedside that most definitely works, and a bookshelf to put all the books on it that Zayn doesn’t read. They’re still standing by the doorway when Liam interrupts the silence.

“When dinner’s over, did you want to watch a film maybe?”

~*~  
 _Zayn is nine and his mum is screaming and breaking things in the other room. She’s been doing that a lot lately, so Zayn doesn’t even flinch when he hears what he’s pretty sure is the flimsy kitchen table getting flipped over._

_When Greg, his mum’s new boyfriend or whatever he is, rushes over to the sofa and turns up the volume on the tube and sits down with him, Zayn finds himself frowning and digging his head under Greg’s arm. Laughing softly, Greg lifts Zayn into his lap and turns him so they can look at each other._

_“Your mum’s pretty crazy, yeah, Zayn? Want to watch something special with me while she’s busy going off?”_

_They head into Zayn’s mum’s bedroom, having to throw off old pizza boxes and cigarette butts from the bed before they crawl under the covers and Greg takes out his laptop. When the film starts playing, Zayn immediately recognizes this special type of film as the ones that other boys whisper about at school. There’s a naked man and a naked woman, and before they reach orgasm, Zayn’s getting his first kiss._  
~*~

Zayn turns back to Liam a little startled, walking further into the room he’ll be borrowing for a little while. He looks Liam up and down and then nods, earning a smile. He’s not sure how far Liam’s gone, but Zayn figures he can show him a thing or two about giving quickies in the bathroom at least. Even if Zayn doesn’t make it through the week at this place, at least he’ll have given his good-looking foster brother something to remember him by.

Dinner as a whole family ends up taking an hour--an hour longer than Zayn’s used to family time. Liam keeps to his word and puts on a comedy with some famous actors, and just when Zayn thinks Liam’s hand is about to land on his thigh, Liam reaches for the remote to turn the volume up. Mrs. Payne comes in and brings them biscuits twenty minutes into the film, and Liam never tries to touch him. They even end up laughing at most of the same scenes. Zayn might like Liam more than he thought, but don’t quote him on it.

~*~  
 _Zayn is six, and he’s come home from school early._

_“Zayn, you scared me! Why are you home so early?!” His mum stumbles through the kitchen to put some familiar objects away in the highest cupboard. Her eyes are wider and they look accusing. Zayn instinctively backs away, his backpack bumping into the kitchen wall behind him._

_“Muh--Mrs. Green let us leave early because Tommy threw up on his desk and Mrs. Maynard drove me home because they couldn’t get a hold of you.”_

_He can still see some white dust on the table, so at least he knows she didn’t use the needle thing today. The one time when he came home and she wasn’t responding to him shaking her awake and crying was scary. She promised him that she’d never do that again. Zayn loves his mum and never wants to see her not wake up._  
~*~

Zayn wakes up gasping for breath, having successfully woken himself up from the nightmare he’d been having all night. The light coming into the room isn’t its usual brightness, so it must still be early. Zayn looks over at the unnecessarily large alarm clock on the bedside table and it blinks 7:34 AM in red. Great.

He rolls away from the clock, and that’s when he smells it. Pancakes. He sits up towards the door and sniffs the air again for confirmation. Definitely mother fucking pancakes. Cautiously touching the floor with his toes, Zayn lightly steps around his room to put on a fresh pair of clothes, but he doesn’t bother to unpack his things yet. Pancakes or no, he still hasn’t spent enough time with these people without the social worker present. Only crazy people who are desperate for money or more kids would take someone like Zayn in. 

“Good morning, Zayn! I didn’t expect you to get up so soon.” Mrs. Payne smiles at him, going over to the cupboard to pull out a plate for him at the kitchen table where Mr. Payne is drinking his morning tea. “Can I get you some tea? Coffee? Juice?”

Zayn looks at this scene of the happy husband and wife in the kitchen with pancakes rolled in light sugar on the table, and all that’s missing is a vase of daisies and maybe some puppies running around happily. This is too much.

He pulls a shy smile and shakes his head. “No, thank you, m’fine. ...Where’s Liam?” He doesn’t particularly care to get to know Liam, but Zayn’s never been very good with talking to parents. 

Mrs. Payne tells him that she’ll put the pancakes in the microwave so they don’t get too cold for when he wants them. “He went for his usual morning run. Liam’s the athletic one of us.”

At Zayn’s surprise, Mr. Payne barks out a laugh that startles him. “Right? That’s what I thought when the boy started waking up at five to run before school. At least in the summer he’s been more sensible about his sleep. I guess he’s got to keep that Harry boy interested somehow.”

“ _Geoff_!” Mrs. Payne sighs and sips her coffee. “Harry is just a friend--” she turns to Zayn and smiles, “--who you’ll probably get to meet some time today. Liam has a few boys that like to come over and play video games. Do you play them ever, Zayn?”

Zayn grins and sits down at the table next to his empty plate. Looks like he and Liam have more in common than he thought. He’s a little surprised that Mr. Payne talked so casually about Liam having a crush, but this is kind of nice. When she asks about the games, Zayn’s smile leaves. It’s not that he’s sad he never got the experience of staying up for 18 hours to finish a game, because he _did_ play Black Ops and Halo at a couple parties he was invited to two years ago or so, but he doesn’t like mentioning that he never had the game consoles. It’s not sad, just embarrassing mostly. He licks his lips and rubs them together before speaking. “Um yeah, I have a few times. Not that good at them though, really.”

The conversation hangs there for a moment before Zayn asks if it’s alright for him to have pancakes now. Despite his protest of getting them himself, as Mrs. Payne warms him up a plate in the microwave, Mr. Payne looks over at him and shakes his head towards his wife when she’s not looking. “Watch out for Louis when you meet ‘em. They’re all tricksters, but he’s the loud one that’ll drive ya nuts.”

Just as Zayn cuts into his pancakes, a sweaty Liam walks through the door looking a bit winded. His hair sticks to his face as does his shirt to his arms, making Liam’s biceps look well defined. ...And Zayn should probably not be checking out his foster brother. Whatever. The Payne’s are cool, but his mom will fake her way through rehab in no time and she’ll have her shit together just long enough for the social workers to leave her and Zayn alone, and then Zayn will never hear from the Paynes again. Therefore, Liam is probably just as delicious as these pancakes, and that is just fine and dandy for Zayn to think. Now that he knows that Liam digs on the XY chromosome pairing, things just got a lot more interesting.  


An hour before Liam’s friends come over, Liam teaches Zayn how to play FIFA, since they’ll most likely be playing that until dinner. As the hour rolls on, Zayn’s not sure how much he wants to touch Liam’s body anymore, but he definitely wants to play this game until his hands fall off, because his team just beat Liam’s, and that’s the first time Zayn’s been able to beat anything back.

Zayn would be lying if he said he’s not nervous about meeting Liam’s friends. Apparently Harry likes Liam, they’re all ‘tricksters’ as Mr. Payne put it, and Louis is the loudest one. Okay. Zayn’s been to birthday parties where everyone was loud and obnoxious, but even though he’s had a few friends at school, they never stayed around for too long and he definitely doesn’t have anyone he could call his best friend. Zayn has a feeling that Liam has a best friend or maybe ten best friends, because Liam would be the type of person to have people who like him for him.

They all come in at once, and Zayn’s not sure who to have a crush on first. He’s introduced to Harry with a handshake, a wave from Niall, and a kiss on the hand from Louis. Louis’ blue eyes are deadly, Niall’s smile is a sin, and well, Harry’s just fit as fuck. Zayn is a little upset that Liam fancies him, because that means that Zayn probably can’t fancy him.

“Wow, love, you’re gorgeous,” Louis states. He gets a quick nudge from Liam as they all walk into the living room to play FIFA, and of course, Liam is the one to sit next to Zayn besides all of his attractive friends. 

Zayn doesn’t blush anymore at people calling him attractive, but the way Louis said it makes it sound more like he was expecting Liam’s foster brother to be homely looking and was pleasantly proven wrong. “Liam, did you tell your friends I was a minger or somethin’?”

“No, he said you were quiet but real fit.” Harry smirks. 

Louis nods along. “He just didn’t rightfully say _how_ fit.”

Liam blushes and sits up straighter. “You guys!” He turns to Zayn. “I said nothing of the sorts. Don’t listen to them, Zayn. They’re idiots.”

Zayn grins back at Harry and Louis, acknowledging that they’re trying to play the game of You’re Cooler Than Liam, Feel Accepted By Us, and hey, it’s working. Niall tries to go to Liam’s rescue by saying that Liam had only said Zayn was fit when Harry and Louis pried for more information, but that doesn’t seem to help Liam’s cause. Zayn kind of just wants all of them to take their clothes off, but Mrs. Payne is home, so that’s probably not going to happen. Shame.

After three rounds, pizza magically appears in the kitchen with Mrs. Payne handing them all plates and napkins, and with polite begging from Louis and Liam, they’re able to eat their pizza in the living room with FIFA. It’s Zayn versus Niall in a heated round, but when they agree to pause the game to get more pizza, Zayn can finally see how Liam and Harry interact with one another. Liam is comfortably situated on the couch with Harry sitting on the floor in between his legs. They’re staring at the screen, eating pizza, and from the way Liam is talking enthusiastically with Niall, one would think he gives no shits that Harry is in between his legs. Though when Zayn moves his head, he can see Harry’s finger making light swirls on Liam’s ankle. He smirks until he catches Louis looking over at him curiously, and at that point, Zayn thankfully can get back to his game when Niall sits back down next to him.

The boys stay over until ten, but Liam and Zayn continue playing FIFA until Liam pauses the game to go get a glass of water. Of course, he has to come back with an obnoxious question.

Liam keeps the game on pause as he drinks his water, and when he sets it down, he takes a moment before looking over at Zayn. “...So, you don’t have to tell me anything, but how are you feeling here?”

Zayn has been asked this question a lot in the past year, and it’s funny, because no one cared to ask him that question when half the actual bullshit he’s had to deal with was going on. It’s not Liam’s fault, though. Liam probably has never been asked _Have you stolen food from the cafeteria? Has anyone ever touched you in inappropriate places? Has your mum ever hit you?_ Or Zayn’s personal favorite: _Has your mum ever forced you to take a controlled substance?_ Like she would _ever_ fucking share any of it with him. No, Liam thinks he’s being brave and thoughtful by asking that question, especially in the middle of their game.

“I’m fine, I’d just like us to get back to the game, Liam.”

It’s good enough to get Liam to nod and resume the game, but Zayn figures Liam will want to know more about Zayn’s life the further this whole foster thing wears on. Hopefully Zayn will be gone before that happens.


	2. Chapter 2

It’s been two weeks and the social worker just left. Zayn is safe and sound at the Payne residence and apparently his mum is doing a little better in rehab, not that he cares. He’s still mad at her for making him leave, but he’s got to admit, actual breakfast, lunch, and dinner is quite a nice incentive to stay here even though he’s sort of exhausted from getting up early all the time. Liam is strange and goes for a run every morning, and while he does that, Zayn does the opposite and has so far baked three kinds of biscuits with Mrs. Payne. Though he’s not that fond of baking or hanging around older people, Mrs. Payne is a really good baker, and she doesn’t make Zayn feel stupid for not knowing how to measure things properly. 

They sort of have this game going where Zayn is close to falling back to sleep on the couch once Liam leaves for his run, and when Mrs. Payne calls him into the kitchen, he pretend groans and acts like he doesn’t want to go help her. When she tells him he can lick the spoon, he drags himself into the kitchen and says he’s only helping so he can lick the spoon and eat the biscuits, but if Zayn were being honest, he kind of just likes hanging out with Mrs. Payne. She’s a lot cooler than Liam says she is.

\----

It’s the middle of July now and Zayn has been living with the Paynes for a little over a month. The social worker said Zayn’s mom will probably be out of rehab in two weeks if things go as planned, but Zayn’s trying not to get his hopes up or think about it too much. Even if she does get out, there will be a lot more paperwork and house visits to deal with, and he just wants to play video games and sleep all day. He and Liam are busy watching _Shaun the Sheep_ this morning, which turns out to be a lot better than Zayn remembered. Liam decided not to run this morning because it’s raining, and like it or not, he’s also starting to adopt Zayn’s habit of sleeping in at least until nine.

Harry and Louis are supposed to drop by later, but before then, Mrs. Payne is forcing Liam and Zayn to go grocery shopping with her. They’re down the snack aisle, and Liam’s busy throwing different kinds of crisps into the shopping cart while Mrs. Payne examines the food label on a box of cereal. 

“Mum, can we get these?” Liam asks, holding up a box of biscuits.

Mrs. Payne looks over at him briefly and nods before putting her own box in the cart. “Zayn, is there anything you see that you’d like?” 

Zayn hates the type of biscuits Liam just picked out, but he’s not going to say anything. He’s been staying in their home for over a month and he has nothing to complain about, so he’s not going to start demanding special treatment. He smiles and shakes his head. “Everything Liam’s picking out is fine with me.” She doesn’t look like she’s buying his reply, but they move down a new aisle, so Zayn relaxes.

They have to wait until after eight to have Harry and Louis over, but when they show up, Harry has a new idea. 

“We want to take Zayn to the cinema.”

“Just the four of us? What about Niall?” Liam asks, looking a bit confused.

Louis looks nice in dark jeans and a denim jacket, and the way he’s looking at Zayn should be considered predatory, but Zayn has been around Louis long enough to know that he’s usually joking when he confesses his love to people. That doesn’t stop Zayn from wanting to blush, though.  
“What? Four good-looking lads can’t go out on the town to a blessed film? My, my, Liam, you sure are a crazy one.”

“Niall has plans with his hand tonight and can’t make it,” Harry adds as they all pile into Harry’s car. 

“It’s a double date.” Louis whispers to Zayn in the back once they start moving. His mouth doesn’t hover as close to Zayn’s ear as Zayn would like it to, and that’s not okay. Zayn had to give up on his plans of doing anything with Harry, because it’s become quite obvious that he’s smitten with Sir Liam (they knighted each other last week after the most intense round of FIFA yet). Harry reaches over for Liam’s hand at a stoplight, and they hold hands the entire way to the film. Louis texts on his phone, and since Zayn doesn’t have a phone to text on, he stares out the window. Sometimes it’s nice to just have people ride in a car and not feel the need to talk while Harry’s indie hipster shit music plays at a deafening volume.

When they sit down, Louis of course ends up sitting next to Zayn, and Harry and Liam are already in the own little world before the previews even finish playing. Liam’s head is on Harry’s shoulder and the armrest is most surely up for extra cuddling abilities. Louis looks over at Zayn once or twice, but mostly it’s just to comment about the upcoming films, because Zayn is quickly realizing that Louis has an opinion about everything and wants everyone to know it. Zayn can respect that.

At a particularly slow moving point of this action-thriller, Louis leans over the armrest and whispers again. “Couple of lovebirds... sickening, ain’t it?”

Zayn knows he’s just kidding, but Louis’ mouth was so close this time to his ear and getting a boner during the film probably isn’t the worst time but it definitely isn’t the best. For the rest of the film, Zayn doesn’t kid himself by hoping Louis will grab his hand or any of that mushy crap, but he does hear Harry and Liam kissing during the major sex scene, and this is the moment Zayn realizes he never wants to hear Liam having sex. Ever. He has seen him in too many _What’s New, Scooby-Doo?_ boxers and heard him make way too many dumb remarks to ever be considered fuckworthy for Zayn Malik. He is officially a foster _brother_ , and while they’re driving back home, Zayn can’t shake the thought of what if Harry were to ever hurt Liam? Zayn would kill him.

Before they pull up to the side of the Paynes’ house, Zayn feels a bit odd in stepping out of the car. Maybe it’s because it’s dark and the house isn’t lit so well from the street, but he doesn’t feel like he’s home. Maybe it’s because he’s not. This is his foster home. None of these guys know where he actually lives, they haven’t even asked. Maybe Liam asked his parents and they told him about Zayn’s situation, and then Liam told the guys and they’re not asking Zayn questions because they don’t plan on getting to know him. He’s just temporary.

Liam kisses Harry a quick goodnight before he steps out, and Louis, of course, pokes Zayn’s arm before he’s ready to get out and has to ask a dumb question. “You alright there?”  
It’s time to get out and go into _Liam’s_ house. He turns back to Louis before shutting the door and smiles. “Mhm, night.”

Louis’ smile brightens again and he leans over the car seat, exaggerating the restraint that the seatbelt has on him. “Waaiit!” Zayn furrows his eyebrows at the scene and can’t help but smile but it lessens when Louis hands Zayn his phone. “Add your number in there for me, will you? You know, in case you ever want to get away from Liam and spend time with someone neater.”

Zayn gives him a small smile, but hands Louis back his phone. “Haven’t got a cell, sorry.” He doesn’t turn back to see the confused stare that he knows Louis’ giving him. It’s 2013, and Zayn’s never had a cell phone. Again, he’s the only one of his kind.

\---

Zayn’s mum is scheduled to get out of rehab in eleven days.

Liam just accidentally exploded a marshmallow in the microwave and is freaking out.

Zayn’s mum is going to be better again.

Liam hands Zayn a marshmallow to explode in the microwave. This time it’s not going to be by accident. 

Zayn’s going to have to leave.

Mr. Payne tries to be mad at them when he hears them laughing hysterically on the kitchen floor at the deformed looking marshmallow guck, but then he ends up chuckling and tells them to clean the microwave. Liam and Zayn play rock-paper-scissors to determine who has to clean it up, and of course, Liam loses. Zayn helps him anyway. They make plans to do it again sometime.

Zayn’s going to have to leave.

~*~

_Zayn is eleven and has his first black eye from getting in a fight at school._

_Mike--his mum’s newest boyfriend--is sitting a little too close to Zayn on the couch. _Toy Story_ is playing on the TV. Zayn hasn’t seen it in years. Zayn’s mum is laxed against the couch, staring at the TV with hazy eyes. Zayn tried to brush her hair for her earlier, but she told him to stop._

_“You’re prettier than a Barbie doll, d’you know that?”_

_Zayn’s mum chuckles. Zayn does not. “Am not.”_

_“I was talking to the boy.”_

Sometimes, Zayn wakes up from a nightmare and doesn’t jump up. His eyes just open, his body still kept in a slight paralysis. He remembers his dream, he remembers that night. Right after Mike had said Zayn was prettier than a doll, Zayn’s mum slapped Mike across the face, and then they started fighting. He can’t remember everything that was said, but Zayn remembers tears, and he remembers they were his own. He remembers crying at Mike’s feet, begging him to stop hitting his mum, saying he’d do anything if Mike promised to never hit her again.

Zayn swallows the lump in his throat. He knows it’s early, and he turns his head to see that it’s only half past five. It’s a little warm, but the air conditioning will go on at seven. The room is dark.

_His mum starts screaming from her place against the wall. Even though her face is bruised and lip bleeding, the thought of Zayn having to touch that scumbag causes her to get a second wind, ripping Zayn from Mike’s arms and threatening to call the cops or kill him. As Mike flees, Zayn’s home floods with tears from both he and his mum. She might be crying because her face hurts, Zayn thinks, but Zayn is crying because now his mum doesn’t have someone to kiss her goodnight again._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 3 is already written, but I'm going to try to work on four and five before I post it so the wait doesn't feel as long. Thanks for reading!


	3. Chapter 3

It’s Sunday breakfast, but Zayn’s too on edge to eat anything. His mum gets out in nine days. He doesn’t want to get used to Mrs. Payne’s pancakes, because even though he used to make pancakes with his mum, he doesn’t think they could ever be the same as these.

“Zayn, aren’t you hungry?” Mrs. Payne asks him.

He smiles, trying to keep his energy up. He really is hungry, but the thought of eating breakfast with the Payne’s is making him feel anxious. “‘M not that hungry, ma’am, but thanks. Do you want me to start the dishes for you?”

Zayn can see Liam giving him a look, but he tries to ignore it. Liam won’t be giving him looks of any kind in nine days, because Zayn will never get to see him again. He has an idea of how this will all go. They’ll promise to check up on him, Liam will say they’re still friends, but after a few months, they’ll be too busy being a family, and Zayn always ends up as a low priority. He fakes a yawn and says he’s going to sleep for a bit longer.

\---

Louis and Harry storm into the house a little after seven while Zayn’s reading _The Perks of Being A Wallflower_ in the living room. He knows it’s Louis and Harry in the kitchen, because they’re laughing about something Niall did the other day that Zayn didn't find very funny. Liam comes out of his room and starts walking down the hall towards the kitchen but stops when he sees Zayn in the living room. “Hey, Harry and Louis are here.” Zayn’s aware of that, but Liam’s not aware of Zayn’s plan to distance himself from all of them. Nodding, Zayn doesn’t have time to tell him that he’s busy reading, because Harry and Louis jump into the living room and attack Liam. Zayn sets his book down, not wanting to have it ripped if they come attack him next.

“That’s my hair, Hazza!” Liam laughs, finding Harry’s hands and using his manly Liam muscles to hold Harry in place by the wrists, keeping him from messing up his hair even more. There’s a moment then when Louis and Zayn stare over at them, Harry and Liam looking at each other like they’re the only two in the room. Zayn doesn’t have the energy to tell them to get a room, and even if he did, he happens to think Liam and Harry would make a good couple if either one of them manned up and admitted it to the other. Liam says he’s waiting for the right time to ask Harry out officially. Zayn wonders if there’s ever such a thing as a ‘right’ time.

“Well, well, looks like it’s just you and I, Zayn.” Louis says, coming over to the couch Zayn’s sitting on, taking a seat next to him. “What’cha readin’?”

Zayn has a feeling that Louis wants to fuck him, but he probably just hasn’t acted on it yet because he’s trying to decide if Zayn is dirty or not. Zayn has only given a couple blowjobs in his life, but he likes to think he’s had good teachers so he’d be able to make Louis come quick if they were to just step aside for maybe five minutes tops. Harry and Liam probably wouldn’t notice, even though they’ve finally stopped awkwardly holding hands and have both taken out their phones to pretend to be answering texts. 

“Zayn?”

Zayn turns to Louis who’s still wondering what book he’s reading. Right. He holds up _Perks_ and Louis nods at Zayn like that’s a good pick. “Haven’t read it, but Harry has. Haven’t you, Harold?”

Harry looks up from his phone a few feet away and looks at the book Zayn holds up for him. “Huh? Oh, yeah, I love it. S’really good.” Of course he’d love this book. Hipster shit.  
Maybe that’s mean to say. Harry’s really nice. 

Zayn really likes Harry, but he doesn’t want them to like the same book, because that means Zayn can never read it again without thinking of Harry and how he’ll never see him again. 

“We’re going to a film, did you want to come?” Liam asks.

“Harry’s going to blast Passion Pit on the way there, you’d like them.” Louis adds.

Zayn smiles slightly and holds up the book again. “Sorry, guys. Really wanna finish this tonight. Have fun though.”

Louis gives Zayn a quick look, but Liam just smiles and nods. “All right. Well, have a good read then. We’ll be back in a few hours. Mum and dad should be back later tonight.” They went to Mrs. Payne’s cousin’s house for a game night. This means that Zayn has the Paynes’ house to himself for at least three hours.

“Cool, let me know how the film goes.”

He’s surprised they trust him alone.

Two hours later, he’s on the last couple pages of the book and decides to get a snack before Mr. and Mrs. Payne get home. He doesn’t like any of the crisps that Liam bought, so he goes for a box of cereal and just decides to bring the entire box with him into the living room. As he’s walking and reading the backside of the box, he forgets that he was vacuuming the living room earlier, leaving the cord out for him to trip over. As he’s tripping, he swings his arm to grab hold of the wall to stop the fall, but the box of cereal slams into a lamp, causing it to fall off the table. Zayn falls to the ground anyway in an unnecessary dramatic fashion, and when he sees the dented lamp shade and broken bulb, time suddenly stops.

He closes his eyes, hoping that when he opens them that the lamp will still be untouched on the table. When he opens them, there’s shards of glass from the bulb on the floor and further he sees that the lamp itself has cracked in half but is still keeping together. With trembling fingers, he helps himself off the floor and goes into the kitchen to get a trash bag, coming back to the scene of the crime to pick up the pieces. Too bad he can’t pick up his own pieces. As he’s cleaning up the bigger pieces, he’s reminded that this is Mrs. Payne’s favourite lamp, the one she always uses to read at night. Tears brim his eyes, and Liam’s not even here to ask what he should do. They’re going to find out, it’s just a matter of when. 

He puts the trash bag in the closet, too afraid to take it outside in case Mr. and Mrs. Payne arrive when he goes to take care of it. He’s never hated the vacuum so much, even if it’s not its fault. Still, he uses it to clean up the little pieces, and then leaves the room to go hide in his own. Liam will be home soon, and he’ll probably tell on him. Mrs. Payne will look at Zayn with such anger and disappointment that coming to the Payne's house in the first place would be considered the worst experience of Zayn’s life. She’s the last person he’s ever wanted to disappoint. Why the hell does he always have to mess things up? He can’t keep his friends, his mom, or even fucking lamps from breaking. 

Zayn’s so lost in thought that he doesn’t know Liam’s home until there’s a knock on his bedroom door. He hopes to god that it doesn’t look like he’s been crying. 

“Zayn?” 

Liam turns the light on, seeing Zayn bunched up by the headboard of his bed. This is pretty embarrassing, to be honest.

Zayn nods and fakes a smile, his nose betraying him by sniffling. Great.

“...You okay? Why are you sitting like that?”

Zayn really hates not being able to talk casually with anyone. Liam always says whatever’s on his mind and even if it’s something dumb, no one seems to hate him for it. “...I didn’t mean to break it.” They’re going to find out at some point. 

Liam takes a few steps into the room and looks even more confused than he was a moment ago. “Break what?”

Zayn tells him. He doesn’t attempt to make any excuses. He wasn’t watching where he was going and pulled a stupid move to try and break his fall, but it ended up causing a lot more damage and he broke the lamp. “Please don’t tell, Li, I’ll find a way to get her a new one before she finds out, okay?”

“Zayn, it’s really not a big deal--”

“It’s her favourite though! She’s going to hate me. Please, I’ll fix it as soon as she goes to work in the morning, okay? Please, Liam...” He’s not really sure when Liam comes over to him, but as soon as he starts crying, he holds his knees up to his chest and puts his head down. Liam wraps an arm around him and tries to calm him down, but Zayn can’t stop shaking. The last time he broke something was his mum’s syringe and he was locked out of the house for the night in the winter. He’d just wanted to get her to stop using and she wasn’t, so he did what he thought was the right thing to do. Zayn broke something that was really important to his mum, and now he broke something that’s really important to Mrs. Payne, and how can Liam say it’s not a big deal? It was a beautiful lamp and Zayn made it as ugly as he is. 

Liam tells him that if his mum asks, he’ll say he did it.

“No, you can’t lie for me...”

Liam frowns, but that’s all he really knows what to do. He doesn’t know why Zayn’s getting so dramatic over breaking something. But Mrs. Payne loves Liam, and Liam could burn down the house and she’d still have to love him. She doesn’t even have to _like_ Zayn. He had nine fucking days left in this place and it’s all ruined. 

“...Don’t worry about it, really. It’s just a lamp. You know my mum, she’ll just huff about it for a bit, but that’ll be all. ...Are you okay now?” 

Zayn says he is to get Liam to disappear back to his own room. As soon as he does, Zayn hears the front door open. They’re back. He immediately jumps off the bed and closes the door, turns off the lights, and gets back under the covers. Even if they’re mad about it, they won’t yell at him when he’s sleeping, would they? 

Ten minutes go by and it’s the longest ten minutes of Zayn’s life. His ears strain to hear every little foot step taken, and as soon as he hears Mrs. Payne heading for the closet, his heart stops. The closet door squeaks open and he can’t hear what she says, but a few moments later, she’s walking down the hall and Zayn holds his breath, but she walks right past his door and goes straight to Liam’s.

Zayn bites his lip, praying that she’s just going to tell him good night. A moment later, he can’t take waiting, so he leans against his door to hear what she’s saying.

“Mum, I just didn’t watch where I was going. You put that lamp right by the walk way and it’s going to get hit eventually, you know? I’m sorry, I was going to tell you in the morning, but I wasn’t sure what time you’d be getting back. Don't be mad.”

Zayn hears Mrs. Payne sigh and tries to decode what that means. “...It was your Gram’s. I’m not mad, just a little upset that it’s broken. I don’t understand how you could break it into that many pieces though, you’re usually more careful.”

Zayn steps away from the door, not wanting to hear more. She’s going to be so disappointed in him.

“Sorry, mum, I’ll try to be more careful.”

“Well, how about you just do your chores a lot nicer for the rest of the month, yeah? And then we’ll call it even?”

“Yeah, I’ll definitely do that. Let’s just keep it between us though, I mean it’s pretty embarrassing, I don’t want dad and Zayn to know. I’ll buy you a new one, too.”

“...Well, it’s actually quite funny, but if you insist, then alright.”

And that’s the whole conversation. They say goodnight to each other, and then Mrs. Payne goes into the living room to watch a late night show as Mr. Payne gets ready for bed. Zayn has to confess. Liam’s actually going to have to _do_ his chores and waste his money on something that was Zayn’s fault, and that’s not right. He should have not been a coward.

Thirty minutes later, when Zayn’s sure that Mr. Payne is asleep, he comes out of his room quietly and finds Mrs. Payne reading in her favourite chair with the living room lights on. His face is probably red and puffy, because the second she looks up at him, she looks worried.

“Zayn, what’s wrong??” She’s about to stand up, but Zayn holds his arm and steps forward.

“It was me who broke the lamp.”

His suitcase is already packed with the original stuff he brought with him, plus one of the shirts Mrs. Payne bought him, because he really likes that shirt and maybe she won’t notice that he’s taking it with him. When she just stares at him with the same look, Zayn continues, forcing himself to look her in the eye, because she deserves his attention. “...I can be out by the morning, I’m already packed and everythin’. ‘M so sorry, I know how much you loved that lamp, and Liam took the blame, but it’s not his fault, it’s mine, and I’m real sorry, ma’am, b-but thank you for letting me stay in your home. Sending me back won’t change me thinking how nice you all are. This has been the best home I’ve been in, really, so thank you.”

He walks back into his room and hesitantly leaves the door open a crack because maybe Mrs. Payne will get mad that it’s closed, because it’s not Zayn’s room anymore. This is for the best. It was only a matter of time before he messed up, and he’s angry with himself because Mrs. Payne is the last person he wanted to disappoint, so really, it’d just be better if she at least hits him so he can feel a little better about it. Maybe Mr. Payne will do it for her, because Zayn can’t even imagine Mrs. Payne killing a fly. She lets spiders go outside in a jar, so Zayn’s like a spider and needs to go outside, too.

He digs his thumb nail into his palm to keep himself from crying, because crying only ever made a beating worse for him. 

He’s almost asleep, curled up by the wall this time, when Mr. and Mrs. Payne come into his room quietly. As soon as the light’s turned on, Zayn instinctively sits up, rubbing his eyes to get them to adjust to the light quicker. He scoots himself as far as he can to the headboard, trying not to look either of them in the eye. 

“Mind if we sit down, Zayn? Sorry for waking you.” Mr. Payne says.

He thinks that maybe since this is his last night, they’ll finally want to have sex with him, but they’ve both been so nice and never hinted at it, so he’s not sure.

He’s not sure how long the talk is, but at some point, Mrs. Payne says “you’re part of the family now” followed by “even when you leave this house, we still want you to think this is a place you can call home. We’ve loved having you here, and we know Liam and the boys love having you around,” and that’s when Zayn starts silently crying. It’s apparently a night of emotion, or maybe these are just the tears that Zayn hasn’t been able to get out for the past year like he’s wanted to. 

"T-Thank you, but I really am sorry..."

Mrs. Payne goes to hug him first, and then when Zayn starts hugging her back, Mr. Payne joins in. “It was a rather ugly lamp anyway.” He adds, making all three of them laugh slightly. 

When they part, Mrs. Payne’s wiping at Zayn’s tears with her sleeve, and Zayn can’t remember the last time he’s had a mum do that for him, but it feels extremely nice. “No more tears, love, you’ve done nothing wrong. Get some sleep now, alright?”

Mr. Payne adds that he’s going to take Zayn and Liam out for dinner tomorrow night while Mrs. Payne works late at the office. Zayn has no idea what to think other than the fact that it’s the first night he has nothing but good dreams.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I'm posting this now, because I won't have time to post anything tomorrow. Hopefully by Friday night or Saturday at the latest the next chapter will be up.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *This chapter deals with past child molestation and just a lot of feelings overall. The next chapter will try to be up by Monday night (Tuesday night at the latest), because it deals with character death, and I've never written that before, so we'll see how it goes. Sorry in advance for feelings, this chapter is pretty angst heavy imo.

There are four days until Zayn’s mum is supposed to come out of rehab. He’s been missing her, but he doesn’t miss anything about _living_ with her, because living with his mum means crying and things breaking and hiding in his room when people he doesn’t know come over. He doesn’t miss those things. He knows he’ll miss the Paynes and Liam’s friends, but he doesn’t want to think about if they’ll miss him or not, because he doubts they will. He guesses they’ll try to stay in contact with him for a while but once they realize where Zayn lives and what his home life can get like, they’ll stop trying. It won’t be any of their faults, Zayn has rationalized. It’s just hard to be friends with someone who isn’t good at keeping them.

They’re having a nice family meal. Zayn helped make dinner, and Liam tried to help, but he almost made all the water boil over the stove, so Mrs. Payne and Zayn gave him the duty of setting the table instead.

“All I’m saying is that Liam will just have to end up with a man who knows how to cook.” Mr. Payne laughs.

Liam frowns. “That feels sexist.”

Before Mr. Payne can make fun of him, the phone rings, and then everyone stops eating. Zayn would normally find it weird that they’ve all stopped eating, but in his time of being here, the phone has never rang during dinner. 

Mrs. Payne gets up to answer the phone. “Hello?”

The moment she looks over at Zayn, he knows.

“Zayn, it’s for you,” she says softly, the worry not completely hidden from her voice.

Zayn gets up and goes over to the phone, Mrs. Payne telling him that he can take the phone in the other room if he’d like. He hasn’t heard his mum’s voice in so long, hasn’t been able to look at her or hug her. Whatever she has to say to him, it’s going to make his heart heavier.

“Hi, mum?”

Her voice is softer than he remembers, and the sense that he has to _remember_ must mean that he _forgot_ how she sounded. He forgot the sad smiles, the shaky hands, but not the overwhelming love. “I’m so sorry, Zayn.”

They’ve been talking for less than a minute, and she’s already apologising, her voice gentle but still as shaky as her hands. “I’m so sorry for doing this to you, you have no idea how badly I want to see you.”

Zayn says it before he chokes up. “I miss you, mum. I love you.”

He can definitely tell she’s crying now. She’s taking a moment before she says anything back, and Zayn just wants to tell her that he loves her no matter what and that she shouldn’t feel any shame, that everyone makes mistakes. He wants to tell her that the Paynes are nicer than his elementary teachers, that Louis tells him he’s gorgeous all the time, and that he can beat Liam in FIFA, but he won’t. She laughs through her tears when Zayn says that he gets up early now.

“How early is early?”

Zayn bites his lip, trying to hide his grin. “...Nine.”

She laughs softly, letting it fall into a sigh. A moment of silence means the conversation’s almost over, neither one of them are good over the phone. Or face to face. “...Everything’s going to change from now on. I’m doing... so much better, and in a few days, I’ll get to see you, and they’ve already helped me find a place for us to stay that’s in a much better area than the flat, Zayn. I’ve even got a job lined up, and there’s a park nearby that you can draw at like you liked to do when you were little, yeah? It’s going to be better?”

He’d believe her, he wants to so badly, but she ended with a question, not a declaration. He needs something more, a bright confident light at the end of this tunnel, but there isn’t one. _So don’t go down it._ He doesn’t want to have to need a light, doesn’t want to go down. They end with an “I love you” and a pause, and then a hang up. Zayn holds the phone to his ear a moment longer, wishing he had the energy to convince himself that things are going to be all right. Maybe one day, they will be. He hears Liam talking about Harry, and he thinks of Liam and Harry, and wrestling with Liam for the remote, and then he knows things are all right here. He’s just going to have to leave All Right for Home. What and where is home?  
He goes back into the kitchen, putting the phone back where it belongs. Even the phone has someplace to go. They all look at Zayn with small smiles, but it just makes Zayn feel smaller. The Paynes know that Zayn isn’t really a part of their family, so it’s best to stop pretending. They’ll think he’s in a bad mood though if he doesn’t sit back down, so he does. The conversation tries to come back as easy as it had started, but it’s different now. Mrs. Payne tilts her head to Zayn to see how he is, and he delivers a small smile and nods that says _not now, but thank you_. She seems to get it, and Zayn really appreciates that about her. Luckily, Mr. Payne turns to Liam and asks him how Harry is. That’s always a fun discussion.

Liam nods into his pasta. “S’good.” He burps into his napkin and then looks to all of them with a shrug. “...I want to properly ask him out soon, I guess.”

“It’s about time, yeah?” Mr. Payne chuckles, looking to Mrs. Payne with a playful glint in his eye. “Li’s ready for his first real relationship.” Then he turns to Zayn. “How do you like Harry? Think he’s good for Liam?”

Zayn also loves how Mr. Payne can loosen the tension in any situation. He’ll pretty much force a smile out of you. Zayn looks to Liam and tries not to laugh at Liam’s judgement. “Yeah, Harry’s cool... But I don’t know if Liam’s ready for it, still got a lot to learn...” Mr. Payne and Zayn are in on the joke together and Liam is not liking it one bit.

Mrs. Payne sighs, standing up with her plate. “Please stay five forever.” She starts walking towards the sink and then turns back, staring at Zayn. “You too, okay?” She shakes her head and starts the water. “Too young, the both of you.” Everyone else starts laughing.

Later in the night, Zayn decides he should start folding his clothes so he doesn’t have to do it in three days. He can feel the tension in the house rising, but he thinks for the first time that they’re all actually going to miss him. It might not last for long, but it’s a nice feeling. It really is.

Liam knocks twice on his door before opening it, peeking in to see Zayn hovering over his suitcase on the bed. Liam stares at the suitcase before looking up to Zayn. “It’s weird that you’re packing for real this time.”

“Yeah.”

Liam comes into the room but keeps the door open. He won’t be staying for long. “She’s going to hate Harry now, just because I like him.”

Zayn laughs, stuffing a shirt into the corner of the suitcase. “Who could hate him? Harry’s a real charmer. I think after you guys make it official, she’ll ease off. She just doesn’t want you growing up too quick.”

Liam smiles, watching Zayn’s possessions disappear into a bag. “...I was thinking, the night before you leave, we should all have a party or something. You, me, and the guys. I’m going to try to get mum and dad to go see a film that night.”

Zayn hasn’t had a birthday party in years, and he isn’t very much a fan, but a going away party? “Yeah, I’d really like that I think.”

Liam nods and takes a step out of the door. “...Don’t pack up too quick, yeah?”

Zayn smiles and nods, taking his suitcase off the bed. “Yeah, alright.”

~*~

Mr. and Mrs. Payne had a short fit about not being able to spend Zayn’s last night with him, so Liam compromised by saying that he and Liam would spend the entire day with them and then get up early in the morning to have breakfast with them as long as they didn’t get back until at least midnight. _“No drinking.” “Okay.” “I mean it, Liam.” “Okay.”_ It took some persuading, but they eventually said yes. Zayn was surprised that they took the day off work for him, but the four of them went out to lunch and to a museum, and Mr. Payne was taking pictures the whole time. He said he’d get them developed and give Zayn a copy of the photos, and Zayn’s honestly more excited about that than anything. 

“How do I look?” Liam asks, walking into Zayn’s room around seven, his hair looking very Bieber tonight. 

Zayn laughs. “You’re really going to wear your hair like that?”

Liam reaches a hand up to feel his hair and frowns. “What’s wrong with it?”

“Nothin’ at all... Just didn’t know JB was in the house.”

Liam groans, holding his hair in place as he goes into the bathroom, calling to Zayn about how he needs to get a haircut but doesn’t want to because he doesn’t like his pouty cheeks. Zayn ignores him, styling his hair in the mirror by his bed. He’s going for the ‘I gave no fucks, but still look great’ approach tonight. Fortunately, he pulls it off everyday. A quiff is too much effort, so he’ll just wear his hair flat.

The guys come over a little before eight, so Liam informs them that they all have about four hours until his parents get home. It’s an unanimous vote to drink the fifth of whiskey Harry brought over, courtesy of him sneaking it out of his parent’s liquor cabinet. In the kitchen, three shots are taken by each of them--one for it being summer, one for drinking underage, and the last one to Zayn. Like the whiskey, this night is bittersweet.

FIFA is played even though they said they weren’t going to. When Niall passes out on the couch, Liam puts a film in, and it takes a whole ten minutes before Liam says he’s tired and stands up to stretch.

Louis has melted into the couch next to Zayn, but he’s still able to embarrass Liam. “Tired so early, Liam? I thought we were just getting started?”

Liam’s blushing is easily noticed even in the dark. “Don’t drink very often, so I’m not used to it, I guess. If you guys want anything from the kitchen, help yourselves.” He glances over at Harry before smiling awkwardly with a nod. “So... goodnight, lads.”

Louis slides off the couch and rolls onto the floor with his hand over his forehead in a dramatic fashion. “Oh, woe is me, what will I do without Sir Liam?” He tilts his head back, staring over at Zayn, and reaches his hand out. Zayn grabs it, giggling. “Zayyyn... Why is Sir Liam retiring so early?”

Liam has had enough and starts walking down the hall to his room.

“He’s going to fight a battle.” Zayn grins, holding Louis’ hand. Drunk Zayn likes to hold Louis’ hand.

“LIAMMMMMM!” Louis shouts. 

Niall jumps up from his slumber with an angry frown. “Shut the hell up or I’ll kill you.” Zayn and Louis look over a second later after laughing, but Niall’s already passed out again.

“Niall’s a romantic when he’s tired,” Louis whispers. Zayn can’t stop smiling. Louis hasn’t stopped holding his hand and Zayn hasn’t had liquor since all the social work stuff started going on this last year. He makes it a point to not drink a lot, but it’s hard to try to make friends if you don’t go to parties or drink, and Zayn just really wants Louis to keep holding his hand, because when he lets go, Zayn will have to leave.

Harry gets up a few minutes later and says he’s going to the bathroom, but Zayn and Louis listen to hear what door he opens, and the squeak of Liam’s door gives him away. Louis sits back up on the couch and laughs into Zayn about how Liam and Harry are probably going to do something, and apparently Liam doing anything sexual makes Louis feel uncomfortable. Zayn thinks it’s just funny that Harry and Liam think they’re being stealthy, but mostly he just feels a bit on edge with Louis so close to him. Zayn hates this feeling. He’s horny from the drinking, but in the back of his head, he knows that there’s a chance he’ll hate himself if he does anything with Louis, and that wouldn’t be the best memory to keep from a ‘goodbye’ party. Or would it?

If he hates himself and hates Louis, then maybe all these feelings about leaving would be more manageable. He looks at Louis’ hands and thinks about them on him, thinks about Louis’ fingers opening him up and holding onto him as he fucks into him as hard as he wants. Zayn’s only had sex with his first boyfriend a couple times, and it wasn’t too bad, but he got quiet afterwards, because it didn’t mean as much as he thought it would. Zayn doesn’t doubt that Louis would try to be romantic about it all, would probably kiss him and whisper encouraging things, but it wouldn’t mean anything. Zayn would leave for good, and then Louis could brag to Liam and the guys about how he fucked the foster kid nice and hard, and then they’d all think Zayn was trash, and then that would be it. It wouldn’t feel good, but it would make all of this easier.

Zayn makes his move to stand up when Louis goes to turn the volume down on the film so Niall can sleep with less noise.

“I think I’m going to go to my room.” It’s still his for the night. It won’t be his tomorrow, so he might as well make the most of it. He’ll never have soft sheets again. 

Louis looks at him a bit disappointed. “Aw, you’re tired?”

His heart’s already pounding, but this is for the best. If he gets kicked out, he won’t have to hear them say goodbye. He won’t have to miss them. Zayn smirks. “No, not really.”

Zayn’s always been able to manipulate his nonverbal communication. Just with his eyes and a small smirk in place, Louis gets cued to follow Zayn to his room, and when they close the door, Louis tells Zayn to come over to him. If it weren’t for the night light that Mrs. Payne insisted he had in his room when she heard him waking up in the middle of the night all the time, then they wouldn’t be able to see each other. Zayn wouldn’t be able to see Louis leaning against his bed with his arms open.

When Zayn gets close enough, Louis’ arms wrap around him and his head goes to rest on Zayn’s shoulder. “I’m going to miss you.”

The hug doesn’t feel like anything other than a hug, so when they lie down, it’s just Zayn lying next to Louis under the covers. Zayn’s still on edge, but it’s mostly because he doesn’t know what Louis’ thinking. _Miss you_. Louis says he’s going to miss him. Zayn bites the inside of his cheeks to keep himself from crying. He doesn’t understand why he’s wanted to cry so much in his time staying at the Paynes’, but right now, he can’t stop thinking about leaving tomorrow.

One thing that Zayn hates and loves about Louis is that he’s been very perceptive of Zayn’s feelings the entire time he’s been living here. He offers Zayn his arm to lie on, so Zayn curls into him, and Louis holds him close in silence. It’s warm under the covers, and being against Louis makes Zayn’s skin feel like it’s next to a heater, but he’s not complaining. Louis smells nice and is the best cuddler he’s ever been with. That might be because Zayn’s never cuddled in bed with someone he likes, but he’d rate Louis pretty high on the scale of cuddling. 

Just as Louis sighs, a loud moan can be heard from Liam’s room followed by a lot of shushing. That was most definitely Harry moaning, and now that they’ve heard it once, it’s easy to pick up on the slight squeaking of Liam’s bed, and Zayn kind of wants to fold into his suitcase and stay there. What if hearing Harry moaning makes Louis want to do things with Zayn? It sounded like a good idea in the living room, but now that they’re in his bed, Zayn really doesn’t want Louis to hate him or use him. Instinctively, he tucks his head farther into Louis’ arm and hopes that Louis’ fallen asleep. He bites his lip, thinking about what Louis might try to do. Zayn doesn’t want to be remembered by Liam as a dirty slut. He thinks back to the first time he had to give one of his mum’s friends a blowjob. 

_Zayn is thirteen. His mum is shaking and crying in the other room, begging her ‘friend’ to give her some coke, because she’s having withdrawal. She stopped using heroin a few years ago with the help of an anonymous support group, but she still does meth sometimes, but it’s mostly cocaine right now. They don’t even have enough money for groceries, so Zayn’s mum doesn’t know what to do._

_Zayn has been sitting on his bed for a few minutes, trying to concentrate on his homework, but he can’t drown out his mum’s begging. What makes it even worse is that his mum has just bought him a new pair of pants and some shirts, because he’s getting taller and his other shirts are too short to wear to school. All of it has to be worth thirty quid at the very least. Zayn looks down at his new pants and immediately feels guilty. His mum could have spent their money on her drugs instead of him, and then she wouldn’t be having terrible cravings right now or wouldn’t be falling into depression. It’s Zayn’s fault that she’s in pain. It’s always his fault._

_He knows how this goes, because he’s heard his mum do it, but he doesn’t want it to come down to it. He doesn’t want to hear his mum sucking some guy’s cock for drugs, and Zayn’s just started to realise he fancies boys at school more than the girls, so it won’t be so bad, will it? He’s afraid though. He’s met some of his mum’s friends, and they all have angry and dead eyes. He looks at himself in the tiny mirror he has in the corner and just sees a waste of money. He has to do this. For mum._

_Hiding his homework under his bed just in case the man would try to rip it up--Zayn’s not sure why he thinks this, but he’s been working hard on it all weekend and doesn’t want to re-do it--he flattens his shirt and then opens his door, hearing his mum crying in her room. With a shaky hand, he opens the door a crack and sees the man standing in the corner, his arms crossed. His mum’s shirt is unbuttoned, so it looks like Zayn decided this at the right time. The man looks over to him and leans off the wall._

_“Get out of here, kid!”_

_He’s got a shaved head and condescending blue eyes, but Zayn bets they were once innocent. He clings onto that thought. Zayn stays by the door, staring at the man._

_“What? What do you want?”_

_Zayn’s mum has her hands over her eyes, her knees folded to her chest as she cries. Her hair’s a mess, and there are scratches on her neck. She’s been scratching again, it’s a habit she started when he was little._

_“Can you step out for a minute?” Zayn asks, hearing how small he sounds even to himself._

_Zayn explains in the hallway that he’ll do whatever the man wants, just as long as he gives his mum a decent supply. It takes some convincing, but after the man’s sure that Zayn won’t run to the cops, they go into his room, and Zayn prays that his mum is still as out of it as she was a few minutes ago. He can feel his heart beating hard against his ribcage when the man pushes him down on the bed, and he’s about to take it all back and say he can’t do it, but then he hears him mum crying, and he gets the strength to hold back his tears. Zayn has to take off his new pants, but he makes sure he drops them in a clean place on the floor, since he has to wear them to school tomorrow. He’s got a math test he’s still got to study for, and he’s shit at math, so he’ll surely be up all night. Most of the kids in his classes aren’t worried about uni, but Zayn knows he has to get good grades now so he can get a scholarship, otherwise he can’t go to school when he’s older. To be honest, he’s sort of hoping he dies before then. Maybe his mum would get some money because of it._

_The man makes Zayn touch himself, and then soon enough, Zayn feels the man’s cock hitting the back of his throat. Tears brim his eyes, and Zayn tries his hardest to pull back, because he’s choking and gagging, but the man tells him to ‘take it’._

_Eventually, it’s over, the man’s gone, and his mum stops crying._

Zayn didn’t go to sleep that night, and he ended up failing his math test. When he’s conscious, Louis is lightly shaking him awake, and-- _Wait_.

Zayn jumps up and away from Louis, his heart beating frantically against his chest.

“Zayn, are you okay?”

Louis’ eyes are wide and full of concern, but Zayn is still breathing heavy. For a moment, he forgets where he is. “...I fell asleep?”

Louis sits up straight, speaking quietly. “Yeah, you’ve been out for a few hours. We fell asleep once we came in here, and then I woke up when I heard Liam’s parents come home, but they said since you seemed comfortable falling asleep with me, I could stay the night.”

It takes a moment for Zayn to register what time it is, but when Louis shows him his phone, it says it’s past two in the morning. Louis says Harry ran to the couch as soon as they came home and that Mrs. Payne doesn’t seem suspicious. Zayn highly doubts she doesn’t know what’s going on, but maybe she’s just tired from staying out so late, so she’s giving him and Liam a break.

“...You were crying, so I thought you’d woken up, but when I tried talking to you, I realised you were still asleep. Bad dream?”

Zayn glances down at the bed, not wanting to look at Louis. Why is he still here? Zayn meant to let Louis fuck him eventually, but he fell asleep on him. Louis could have easily gone home and probably had a better sleep. And he woke up to Zayn crying. How embarrassing. 

”Yeah, um, I just have nightmares a lot. Sorry that I woke you.”

Louis watches him. Zayn hates that Louis knows how to read facial expressions well. “No worries, you’re fine. Well, I mean, are you fine? Sometimes people like to tell me their dreams or nightmares, I guess.”

Zayn stays on his side of the bed and sits up, his legs folded. ”Well, it wasn’t a nightmare I made up. Don’t really like to talk about it, sorry.”

”Completely understandable.”

Zayn was crying in his sleep and Louis’ not the least bit curious? He hasn’t made up his own explanation? It makes Zayn a little irritated. ”...Is it? You don’t even know what it could be about.”

Louis looks sorry. ”Well, I know not to pry into people’s business when they don’t like talking about something, Zayn.”

”...Are you curious? You’re always looking at me.”

Louis blushes. “I’m curious, but I wouldn’t want you telling me anything that you didn’t want to tell me on your own. And I happen to like you, so yeah, I like looking at you.”

Zayn looks down at Louis’ collarbone. He could suck on Louis’ neck as he jerks him off, if Louis wanted. He keeps his head down in thought. “Why do you like me?”

Louis frowns, reaching his hand out to put it on Zayn’s shoulder so he’ll look at him. Louis really likes to stare Zayn in the eyes when he’s talking to him. It’s nice, but it also makes Zayn nervous. Of course, Louis seems to sense that, so he lets go and reaches down for Zayn’s hand, rubbing his thumb over Zayn’s knuckles. “I like that you’re good with my best friends. I like how you stare at a movie with this mesmerized look in your eyes when you think no one’s watching you.” He smiles and squeezes Zayn’s hand lightly. “I like how nice you are, and I like the way you hum songs in Harry’s car, and I like kissing you.”

If Zayn didn’t know better, he’d say Louis actually likes him. This is the kind of thing you hear people confessing in movies. Louis has to be acting. ”...We’ve never kissed, though.”

Louis smiles. “Yeah, but I know I’d like kissing you. Not saying we ever have too, but just know that I think it’d be cool.”

No one’s ever told Zayn that they’d like to kiss him. If they wanted to, then they got to, and Zayn never had a choice. Louis has actually been in the same bed as him for hours now and probably didn’t touch him, and he’s confessing that he likes him, but he didn’t do anything to him, and--Zayn stares at him for a hard moment before kissing him on the mouth. He presses his hand against Louis’ crotch and rubs his palm over it. Louis’ been so nice to him, he can’t believe it. He owes him something, especially because he woke him up by crying. Their faces are still close, and when Zayn hears Louis moan softly he can’t help but smirk. “Do you want me to?” he whispers.

Louis’ moan quickly turns into a sigh, and soon his hand is on top of Zayn’s and it asks to lace his fingers with Zayn’s, and that makes the rubbing stop. It makes Zayn’s heart stop, too. “I want you to, but not tonight, love.” Louis pecks him on the cheek before Zayn can ask if he’s sure. “...I am curious to know more about you, though.”

They’re lying down when he asks this. Zayn looks up at the ceiling and it doesn’t give him any advice. Louis just turned his hand down and is asking to get to know him instead. What is the world coming to? “What do you want to know?”

“Anything you’re willing to tell me.” They’re turned on their sides facing each other, fingers still laced.

Zayn would get mad at him if it was anyone else besides Louis. He knows he could tell Louis anything and he’d find it interesting. “...I had a pet leaf once.”

Louis’s hand gently squeezes his for a moment and he grins. “Looks like we have more in common than I thought. What kind of leaf was it?”

Zayn laughs slightly and turns towards him too, just now remembering that they should probably be quieter. He leans towards Louis a bit and keeps his voice down. “I don’t know. It was green though.”

”Oh, those are the best kind.”

Zayn rolls his eyes and licks his lips. “Yeah, and I was really sad when it broke in half.” He bites his lip and looks down at their feet that are now touching. “...I gave it a funeral in the back of my school. ...It knew everything about me.”

He can tell Louis’ frowning now. He continues. “My first kiss was when I was nine with Mum’s boyfriend. I don’t like when Niall says he’s getting ‘raped’ in FIFA, because my mouth has been fucked by older men that I didn’t like, but I did it so they wouldn’t hurt my mum. And I’ve never thought about doing drugs, because I’ve seen too many of them and know what they can do to a good person. ...I’ve had one boyfriend before, his name was Daniel, and we used to smoke cigarettes by the creek by my old house before we had to move to the flat. I didn’t really like him, but he never asked to come over my house, and I never let anyone come over there because I didn’t want them to see my mum getting high.” 

He starts realising what he’s telling Louis and lets go of his hand. “And I think you won’t like me anymore since I told you all that, and half of me would try to convince myself that I’m disgustin’ and that you really shouldn’t like me, and you know, you probably shouldn’t. I... I have nightmares a lot, and I hate myself a lot too, and I have a lot of problems that you don’t need to deal with. And I think that none of you will miss me, so I should give myself more reasons to not be missed. ...But um, my favorite color’s red and I don’t like swimming. I’m sorry. You should talk now. Or you can leave. ...Or I can leave.”

“...Thank you for telling me all that, Zayn. I want you to know that I really hate... I’m really upset that those things happened to you, but I’m--shit. I don’t even know what to say. I’m probably saying the wrong things.”

Zayn sits up and sighs. Yeah, Louis doesn’t like him anymore. It’s okay, Zayn should probably work on getting his grades back up anyway when he gets to go home with his mum. “I can leave, you know, if you’re uncomfortable.”

This is the first time Zayn’s seen Louis actually look upset. “What? No. I can leave if _you’re_ uncomfortable. I would never make you leave your own room.”

”This isn’t my room, though. This is Mr. and Mrs. Payne’s room, and I won’t be here tomorrow.”

The look Louis gives him explains it all. It’s pain. It’s preparing to miss someone. It’s flight. It’s loss. 

“We’re still going to hang out.”

”Okay.”

”I mean it, Zayn. Do you honestly think we don’t want you around?”

”...”

”We do.”

Zayn sighs. ”I know you guys do, but it’s--just things will be different when my mum’s out. And when school starts back, we’ll all be busy, and I don’t... I don’t want to get my hopes up.” Vulnerability. There. He said it. He won’t cry in front of Louis again. 

Louis takes his hand and holds it firmly this time. Zayn squeezes back until it hurts. ”...I want you to get your hopes up, and I want you to see them not get let down for once.” _For once._ Zayn sighs into the crook of Louis’ neck. He doesn’t realize that there are tears in his eyes until he feels the dampness on Louis’ skin.

 _I want to deserve you._ “...But what happens when you find I’m not interestin’? I’m not funny like Niall, I’m not cool like Harry or nice like Liam. I’m stubborn, and I’m quiet, and it’s hard for me to trust anyone.”

“Well, I’ve been told plenty of times that I’m obnoxious and stubborn as well, so you didn’t lose me there, sorry.”

Zayn has to stop looking at him. Louis is too honest and too innocent, and Zayn isn’t either. He feels like he’s corrupting him just by being in the same room with him. ”I’m sorry, Louis, I don’t know what you want me to be unless you tell me.”

”Zayn.”

”Hm?”

”No, I want you to be Zayn and nobody else.”

Zayn sighs. “Still figuring that out, mate.”

”Cool, same.” Louis is stubborn. Zayn’s not sure he likes someone who won’t give up.

Before he can lie down, Louis wraps his arms around him, and they just stay that way, hugging for a few minutes, until they both feel like they’re about to fall asleep. When they lie down, Zayn puts his head on Louis’ chest, feeling secure in Louis’ arms.

“Lou?”

“Yes?”

Zayn whispers. “Can you kiss me?”

”...You sure?”

”No.”

Zayn sits up and puts a hand on Louis’ chest, staring down at him in the dark. He sees Louis’ eyes flicker to his lips in the moonlight, and Zayn rubs his lips before leaning down slowly and hovering his face over Louis’. “Zayn, we don’t have to.”

Zayn smiles. “I just want to have kissed the first guy I liked.”

The kiss is innocent, making Zayn half innocent, and Louis pulls back first. “ _Liked_? Past tense, are we? Wow. I already messed up that bad?”

Zayn’s laugh gets cut off by his yawning. “Night, Lou.”

It’s nice to fall asleep on someone who isn’t trying to take your clothes off.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the wait! This week was busier than expected. There are just two chapters left, and since this week is about to be busy as well, I'm not sure when I'll have them up, but hopefully they'll be done soon.
> 
> Warnings for this chapter: Contains death. Lots of angst and tears. Sorry in advance. It gets lighter after this.

The social worker had picked Zayn up this morning. Zayn’s mum felt weird about meeting the Paynes just yet, so she said she’ll meet them after she’s been home with her son for a little while. Zayn hugged the Paynes goodbye. He said goodbye earlier in the morning to Niall, Harry, and of course Louis. Niall wouldn’t let go of hugging him, Harry kissed him on the mouth real quick, and Louis had hugged him, squeezed his hand, and rubbed his thumb on his cheek and told Zayn to get a phone so they could text. He said that they have to hang out so Zayn can help Louis make fun of Liam. They all gave him their numbers on a piece of paper. Mrs. Payne looked like she was about to cry, and it just made Zayn want to cry too.

On the drive over to his and his mum’s new flat, the social worker lets Zayn listen to whatever radio station he wants. He forces himself to think that they’ll forget about him tomorrow and that he should just be thinking of this all as a long vacation he went on, maybe even a dream. For the first time, he’s not sure he can convince himself of that. 

The rehab place helped his mum find a decent job to start off with, helping her to get back on her feet. When they pull up to the flat, Zayn’s surprised at how nice it is. Nicer than he expected, anyway. Nicer than he’s used to. It’s no Payne residence, but it’s not bad.

When the social worker shows him to the door, Zayn’s mum opens it quickly and pulls him into her arms. When he first went to the Paynes’, he missed his mum so much and thought the second he got to see her he’d be crying, but as they’re hugging, he almost feels like a different person. He still misses her, but it’s not to the same intensity. Her scent is a little different. Her clothes don’t smell like smoke and are neatly pressed to her body, and Zayn wonders how much she’s changed. The social worker explains that she’ll be back at a random day this week, so Zayn’s mum is to make sure that the two of them don’t go very far from town for the next couple days. What it really sounds like to Zayn is her saying ‘don’t fuck up again, or I’ll take away your kid away for good’. His mum takes it seriously, and Zayn feels a little more loved, if not a bit worried.  
They eat dinner just the two of them, and Zayn realises he misses when Mr. Payne would burst out in a warm laugh at something dumb like the dumb comments Liam would make, and then how Mrs. Payne was there to keep the two of them in line. He finds himself smiling about it.

“What’re you smiling about?” Zayn’s mum asks, showing a smile of her own. Her skin is a lot cleaner looking than it has in years, but her face is still tense.

“Just glad to be home.” He lies. It’s not that he isn’t happy to be with his mum, but he almost wishes that she could have just moved into the Paynes’ with him. That would be asking for too much though. 

She beams back, reaching over the table to touch his cheek and fix his hair that is all over the place. “I’d like to thank the Paynes’ in person for taking such good care of you. Did you make friends with their son?”

Zayn nods, looking down at his food as he eats. He doesn’t want to tell her how nice it was being in a _home_ , that he had real friends for the first time in his life, or that Liam wasn’t really like his friend--it felt more like he was a real brother. Luckily, he and his mum have never been ones to hold conversations for long, so after they clean up dinner, she says she’s going to go to sleep early tonight. “We should have breakfast together in the morning before I work. Pancakes sound like fun? Like we used to?”

“...That’s okay, I’m not that hungry in the morning. I’d rather sleep in if that’s okay.”

She looks a little disappointed, but keeps a small smile. “Yes, of course, I’ll just see you when I get home for dinner then, okay?”

“Okay.” He starts walking off to his new room, but before he forgets, he turns around and walks back to her, hugging her as tightly as he can. “Missed you, mum.” He kisses her cheek and goes back to his room. The sheets might not be as soft or warm, but he’s back with the only person that loves him, and that’s what matters. ...He just wishes he had a phone so he could text Liam or Louis.  
\----

Two days go by, and Zayn’s bored out of his mind. He’s been watching morning cartoons and reading some of his old comic books, but he doesn’t feel like going outside and exploring his new surroundings, because it just doesn’t feel like it’s real yet. Truth be told, he’s kind of waiting to see how long it’ll take his mum to go back to her old habits. He’s trying not to get his hopes up.

When his mum is still at work, he tries every few hours to dial one of the guys’ numbers, but he’s afraid to call them. What if it’s awkward? What if they pretend to be busy, because they only gave him their numbers to be polite? He ends up reading a book that Liam let him keep, _The Catcher in the Rye_. Liam said it was too sad, but Zayn likes sad books.

A day after the social worker comes by, Zayn goes to the cinema by himself, wishing he could see a film with Louis or play FIFA with Liam, or anything with anyone his age, really.

After the film, he walks around town for a while, getting to know his surroundings that probably aren’t too interested in getting to know him. It can’t all be bad here though, can it? His mum didn’t get to make the decision to live here, but she seems optimistic about it, so that’s got to count for something. Putting herself into rehab really showed Zayn that she cared about him, even if it meant being away from him. No one else will ever know what all happened back then--Zayn never told the social worker or anyone else half of the things that occurred. Surprisingly, Louis even knows more than his mum. Zayn never told her that he sucked anyone off, only that he begged them to give her the drugs, and they didn’t want to say no to a kid. He’s not sure if she always bought that story, but she never asked otherwise. It’s probably for the best that they never talk about the past.

It’s dark outside when he finally decides to head back, and when he goes to open the door, it’s unlocked. The kitchen light is on when he locks the door, but the only other light that’s on is in his mum’s room, and it just seems too quiet. He doesn’t hear a TV or her coughing, and that’s not normal. He’s scared.

“Mum, you home?”

Quickly and hesitantly, he walks into her room. First he sees the needle, then the familiar kit on the floor. She’s lying on the bed. Eyes open, head tilted, arm out, and puke covering her mouth.  
He stares at her eyes. They look dead. She is motionless. He starts heavy breathing, heart pumping, eyes open, head tilted. Rushing over to her, he touches her skin. She’s cold. She’s been in a coma-like state before, but not like this. Not cold. Not... Tears should start, but they don’t. Grabbing her by the arms, he tries shaking her awake, and that’s when he feels just how empty she is. The body is heavier, but the soul really does add on weight. Her head tilts back further on the pillow when he lets her go. This is how a body feels when it will never laugh or cry again. 

Zayn backs against the wall and tries to hold onto it before sinking down to the floor and screaming his way into crying. With shaky hands, he gets up off the floor without glancing over and calls 911, not being able to tell if he said the right things or not, but the operator says someone will be there soon. The operator says to stay on the line with him, but he hangs up. He drops the phone and gets in the bed with his mum’s body. A shudder runs through him--he’s near a dead body. But this is his mum’s. It’s not her anymore, but it was _hers_. He takes her hand and holds it, wanting so badly to have it squeeze back. 

“...Mum, it’s me... Come back, okay? Please?” Sobbing, his head hits the pillow, but he continues to hold onto her hand. “Please?”

He curls in on himself and has to let go of her hand. “Please? I need you... I love you, don’t you love me?”

He keeps thinking this is a nightmare, because why wouldn’t it be? She was in rehab. She got better. She has a new job, and a new flat, and they were about to have a good life. About to.

A strange thought comes to mind when he turns towards the door and sees the phone lying on the floor. He wants to call someone, because this silence is terrible. He can’t look back at her. It can’t be real. He feels like he’s six again and she’ll wake up in a few hours.

He’s picking up the phone and dialing one of the only numbers he made himself learn by heart. 

Mrs. Payne answers. Zayn is glad it’s her but almost wishes no one answered. He hesitates, but when he hears her say hello again, he has to say something. “Hi, Mrs. Payne. It’s Zayn Malik.”

She sounds worried. “Zayn... it’s so good to hear from you, we miss you, but is something wrong? You sound upset.”

Tears start streaming down his cheeks again. He wipes them away and brings the phone with him into the bathroom where he goes to sit in the tub, holding his knees up to his chest. “Ye-Yeah everything’s... um, how are you all?”

“Fine, sweetie, we’re just fine, but how are you? What’s wrong?”

“...I called 911 already--Mum... My mum’s dead, I think.”

Silence. He shouldn’t have called. What if she doesn’t believe him?

He starts crying harder. “P-Please don’t hang up. Did you hang up, Mrs. Payne?”

“No, Zayn, I’m here. I’m here.” She sounds upset. Oh god, now he made her upset. He shouldn’t have called her, this is terrible, he just. He killed his mum. If he wasn’t around, then she wouldn’t have had to protect him, and she could have saved her money and gotten a nicer place somewhere, and she’d be alive. She’d be alive right now. She tried hard to make her life better, and what did Zayn ever do? Nothing. He doesn’t value his life at all. He should be the one that’s dead.

“Mrs. Payne, I have to go. I think the cops are here.”

Her voice gains confidence. “Zayn, wait! We can be there in an hour. Ask the police where we can meet you and we’ll come be there with you.”

Zayn shakingly gets up from the bathroom and goes to the front door, opening it. Two cops and a team of medics come in with equipment. Seeing the bags and the stretcher make him a little hopeful, thinking that maybe they can resuscitate her, but then he sees the body bag, and--wow. That’s a body bag like in the films. That’s a body bag for his mum.

He lets go of the air in his lungs and takes a step towards the police officer. “Officer, my foster mum wants to know where you’ll be taking me now.”

He is an orphan. He has no family that he knows of in the entire world. He is completely alone. The police officer asks Zayn if he wants the phone once he’s done talking to Mrs. Payne. Zayn nods, taking the phone.

“We’ll be seeing you shortly Zayn, all right? They’re taking you to the police station. ...I love you. I’m so sorry. We’ll be there soon.”

 _Sorry._ Everyone’s so sorry for him. His anger starts rising, but he waits until he says goodbye before throwing the phone to the kitchen floor. The officer standing near the door, probably writing up the report--the fucking report for his mum’s body--just looks cautiously down at him, but doesn’t do anything to stop him from kicking the wall. The officer just tells him the social worker is meeting them at the station.

Zayn stomps towards the bedroom where all the medics are along with the other police officer. Aren’t they supposed to be consoling him or some shit? He wants to burn the fucking room down. No one in this room fucking cares about his mum, she’s just a body to them. Zayn’s just a fucking orphan, what the fuck do they care? They see this shit every day. 

He sees her still on the bed, and two of the medics are putting their equipment back. He knew it was fucking hopeless. The other officer puts a hand on his shoulder, but he yanks away and storms over to the bed. “How could you fucking do this to me!? Why the fuck are you dead! Why the hell couldn’t you have kept it together!?”

He ends up in the officer's arms, blubbering and crying into her chest. The only person that ever cared about Zayn was his mum, and she died, maybe even killed herself. He doesn’t even know. He wants to go find all of the guys that she ever slept with and put a bullet in their heads. _Are you fucking happy now? The bitch is dead._

They take him to the police station. He got the questioning over with, because he doesn’t want to go back here again. There’s not much he can say anyway, and he thinks they know that. The Paynes come. They all look so worried and tired. Zayn is angry at them and he doesn’t know why. 

Luckily only Mrs. Payne hugs him. That’s about all Zayn can handle right now. Liam has tears and Mr. Payne looks pretty upset, too. Mr. Payne talks to the social worker and the officer. Zayn will get to come back with them tonight and sleep in his ‘old room’.  
The ride there is silent. When they pull up to the house, Zayn knows a bunch of memories and pain should be rushing through him, but he just feels numb. He just wants to sleep.

In the middle of the night he starts crying. Liam is immediately at his door, and Zayn wonders if he’s been standing there all this time. Liam asks if he can come in, and Zayn lets him. Without asking this time, Liam gets in the bed with him, Zayn scooting towards the wall to give Liam some room. Liam just holds him, and Zayn’s not even embarrassed to cry into him. 

When he wakes up, Liam isn’t there, but practically the second he sits up, Mrs. Payne is by his door with tissues and a glass of water.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm really sorry to anyone who has been waiting for this story to update! Thank you for your patience. Chapter five just took a lot out of me, and now I've started to submerge myself into the Teen Wolf fandom and *types more excuses*.
> 
> Not sure when the next chapter will be, but I'll try to have it up soon!

It’s August. 

The police ruled out suicide. Zayn’s mum had made a dentist appointment for the next week and had even paid the rent for the following month. They think she just accidentally rolled onto her back and choked on her vomit. Zayn’s glad it wasn’t suicide, but he almost wishes he wouldn't have asked. 

The Paynes have given him his space, but he keeps telling them he’s fine. A week ago, they asked Zayn if he wants to go back to school this year, and he said he’s up for it. Mrs. Payne registered him in at Liam’s school this morning. Zayn’s not sure if this means he’ll be staying at the Payne’s for at least a few more months, but he’s too tired to care about anything these days. Right now, they’re grocery shopping. Mrs. Payne keeps insisting that Zayn pick out the snacks he wants for when school starts back up. 

Zayn really fucking loves wine gums. He sees them, but they’re not on sale. Mrs. Payne stops right next to them to pick up something for Liam. Zayn stares at the wine gums. He could ask for them, but then she’d know that he likes them and could use them against him to make him do things he doesn’t want to do. He decides to quickly put them in the cart while she’s not looking. She turns when she hears them hit the cart, and Zayn cringes. He’s so clumsy. She looks down at the box and smiles at him. “I like those too. Good decision, Zayn.” She drops three more boxes of them into the cart. Zayn doesn’t know what to think about that.

\----

Louis finds Zayn on the first day of school, and Zayn didn’t know he needed a hug until Louis’ arms are tightly wrapped around him, walking him down the hall. “Zayn, my good man, we’re going to rule this place...”

Zayn smiles because he knows Louis’ already got some tricks up his sleeves this year. Louis convinced him to take Theater with him, so soon they’ll be acting on a stage and messing up all of their lines. Zayn has no idea how Louis got him to sign up for the class, but he’s glad he did. Zayn’s goal this year is to be happy, and being around Louis makes that happen. Louis seems to be the only one lately that can look at him without ‘your mum died. shit.’ eyes. Zayn is grateful for it.

The first day of school has been going not terribly bad, but when he gets his first math lecture in over a year, he remembers quickly that he’s terrible at anything to do with numbers. The next few classes are the same. He doesn’t give a shit about history, only likes science when he gets to burn things in lab, but then when he walks into his english class, the day isn’t such a loss. They’re starting off with some Shakespeare, and as everyone in the class complains about having read every Shakespeare that ever existed, Zayn smiles. He identifies with Hamlet, so now he at least has one friend in this class.

When he gets to the Paynes’ house, Mrs. Payne asks how school was and Zayn actually says fine and means it. Odd. He thinks back to Louis and Harry’s fork battle at lunch, and Liam being stressed out about them being too loud, and how funny it is that Liam is stressed out about something so bland as school.

Once they fall into their school schedules, Liam and Zayn start helping Mr. Payne re-paint his workshed. While they’re painting, Liam asks his dad what he thinks about him properly asking out Harry, if it’d be a good idea. The fact that Liam can talk to his dad about this baffles Zayn. Zayn just paints away, listening. Finally he’s tired of hearing about Liam’s uncertainty. “He bloody freaking likes you. I mean _obviously_... I think you know he does.” 

Liam gives him a look like ‘don’t you fucking say anything’. Like Zayn would _really_ start telling Mr. Payne about Liam and Harry’s sex life. Please.

Zayn sighs. “Just do it already. Harry’s the kind of guy that likes impulsive acts, and what you guys have going is nice, but if it’s bugging you that you’re not more than nice, then you need to tell him, alright? Christ, mate.”

He looks to Mr. Payne, who he almost forgot was painting with them. Mr. Payne just nods with raised eyebrows. “Well, there you go, Liam. Zayn, we’ll all start coming to you for advice now.”

Zayn blushes, but he doesn’t feel bad about raising his voice or stating his opinion. This time last year, he would have been getting his teeth kicked in or would at least be apologizing profusely. Mr. Payne just gently pats him on the back and laughs. Zayn asks if he can paint the shed for a little while longer after dinner. He needs some time to himself. He’s asked for it a lot lately.

After dinner, Liam and Zayn are cleaning up the table. They pretend to throw plates at each other, pretending to block them or get hit in the face. In the middle of it, Liam gets a call from Harry and excuses himself. Zayn has the impulse to yell “HI, HAROLD!” loud enough for Harry to hear through the phone. Liam shushes him and walks into the other room.

While he’s laughing to himself, Zayn realizes he doesn’t like himself being alone in the kitchen. Mrs. Payne walks into the kitchen in her pajamas and goes to wipe the table down. Zayn looks at her and has a moment where he just doesn’t want to be alone. “...Mrs. Payne?”

She looks over at him and soon is embraced in a gentle hug. She’s surprised but responds instinctively by hugging him tighter. It’s the first time Zayn doesn’t think about anything while pressed against another person. There’s no worry, no shame, just hugging and warmth. Mrs. Payne’s not his mum, but she is _a_ mum. 

“...Zayn?” She asks softly. He looks at her and she’s smiling. He didn’t do something wrong. He doesn’t feel wrong. “You can call me Karen if you’d like, or you know...” he thinks she’s telling him he can call her mum. He doesn’t know if he can ever do that. He can already tell he views her as the most important woman _alive_ , but she’s not Mum. He nods slightly, smiling back. “Thanks, Karen.”


	7. Chapter 7

Before school starts, Louis texts Zayn to find him in the back field where the footie team practices. It could be colder out, Zayn thinks. He could be warmer if he finds Louis. 

When he gets to the back field, he doesn’t see him and is about to text him again to find out where he is, but then Louis’ walking out from behind a wall. Louis smiles. “...I was going to jump out, but I remembered you don’t like surprises.” 

Zayn feels a little like a troublemaker for being back here before school starts, but if Louis thought it was safe to come back here, then it is. He might be up to no good, but he’d never get caught. Zayn trusts Louis enough now to know Louis wouldn’t let Zayn get caught, either.

“So, what are we doing back here? Are you proposing?” Zayn asks.

Louis clears his throat--always the dramatic one--and tries to mimic a radio DJ. “Zayn Malik--you know what I just realised?” He breaks character and laughs. “...If you change your name, you’d be Zayn Payne. You’d be a superhero. You know, not that you aren’t already.” Zayn’s smile kind of dies, but Louis offers his hand to hold, and Zayn gladly does. That makes it a little better. “...Sorry, that wasn’t what I was going to say back here. I like your name.”

Swinging their arms to try and pretend he’s not affected by what Louis said, he walks them over to the brick wall of the school. He leans against it and tries to remember that Fall doesn’t mean he’s got to be falling. He still hurts from the summer. “Yeah, I do too. But I mean, I’d change it I started living with the Payne’s forever. I don’t got any family to share my name with, so I’d be the last one. But maybe I’d keep it, I don’t know.” Zayn still finds it strange that he’s connected with Louis in such a short amount of time. They only kissed that one time back in summer, but it still feels like they’re more than friends. 

“Has Liam said anything about you being an official brother? How’s this all going to work?”

It’s a subject they don’t need to be talking about. Zayn shrugs.

Louis gets like this sometimes, like he’s just afraid as Zayn is about not wanting to leave. Zayn feels Louis’ thumb press gently into his palm. “Zayn... You’re not thinking they’re kicking you out, do you? Because you’re awfully fit, and I can’t imagine a world where Karen doesn’t want fit grandchildren. Liam’s kind of a hopeless cause, as you well know, so...”

Zayn laughs. “How can I have kids? Don’t particularly want to get to know a girl that way, Lou.”

Louis lets his hand go but makes sure his shoe bumps against Zayn’s. Still connected. “No, see, we’d get married, and then we would each pick out a mum for the kid, and then you’d have a fit lad and I’d have a cunning and clever girl, and then they’d be an unmatched duo, the best the world has ever known.”

One day, Zayn thinks, Louis will actually have to follow through with some of his grand schemes. It’ll be quite terrible and enjoyable. “Why’d you bring me back here, Lou?”

The schemer almost forgot. “My, my, Zayn. You must be patient with these things. Like I’d forget...” He brings him over to a tree with a million leaves on the ground. There are dead leaves at their feet, but Zayn feels alive. Louis’ hand brushes against his. “We’re picking out our new friends.”

\----

After school, Zayn does his homework, plays video games with Liam, goes to paint the shed for a bit before Mr. and Mrs. Payne-- _Geoff_ and _Karen_ \--get home from work, and then finds himself working on a poem. His English syllabus said they’d work on poetry in a few weeks, but Zayn wants to practice before they get there. Before he gets there.

As he’s working on a new line in the poem, Karen calls him into the living room. All three of them are there. Zayn has a moment of panic. “Was I not supposed to paint the shed by myself?” He knows that’s a dumb question, because he asked Geoff the other day and he said to go for it, but maybe he did a bad job and he’s going to get his first punishment. _Breathe._

They all look like something big’s about to be said. Karen stands up and takes a step forward. “So, right now Zayn, you’re just our foster child...” Zayn finds himself nodding along. “We’ve been working with your social worker, and now, we’d like to ask you something that we’ve thought hard about, and frankly, it was an easy decision. Zayn, we’d like you to permanently be apart of this family. We’d like to adopt you. How do you feel about that?”

He feels the red leaf that he and Louis picked out pressed against his thigh pocket. Louis picked a yellow one with green specks. Their leaves are in love and have a long history. 

“What? ...I don’t think I heard what you said.”

Liam looks around at everyone, and Zayn would laugh if he could make a sound, because Liam looks like he’s wondering if Zayn’s deaf or not.

They come closer to him, Karen looking like she’s not sure if Zayn’s going to run off like a gazelle. Geoff and Liam look pretty calm. Karen asks him again. “The papers just need our signatures now. I know I’ll never be your mum, and I’m very sorry we never got to meet her because she did raise such a wonderful boy... But we really love you, Zayn, and we all know that Liam needs someone to keep an eye on him.” 

Zayn starts to grin at that. He bites his lip to try to contain himself and nods. He’s not sure what nodding means right now, but he’s pretty sure it’s the right response for him. Yes. He really wants a family. He really wants _this_ family. They want him, too.

”...Is that a yes?”

Zayn nods harder. “Yeah, yes, I-I’d--” _I really want to be your son, but I don’t think it’s okay for me to say that. Is it?_

Liam comes over to break the awkwardly seriously happy what-is-this feeling. “We can be official brothers. You can officially make fun of me as a brother.”

Zayn nudges him and Liam does it back. He steps aside so Zayn can face Geoff and Karen. “I’d really--um, thank you. Thank you.” He feels something burning on the inside, but his entire body is suddenly fireproof. 

The hugging comes before he can anticipate it. They all hug, and Karen starts crying first. When Zayn starts sniffling, he catches Geoff wiping a tear off his cheek, and Liam’s just grinning a crinkly-eyed grin. 

During the hugging, he might be making it up, but Zayn feels like his mum is hugging him, too. He knows she would like the Paynes. Every time from now on when he eats a pancake or beats Liam in FIFA or watches Liam and Harry hold hands in the car or hears Niall cracking up at a joke nobody gets or stares into Louis’ eyes or kisses Louis or builds things with Geoff or bakes biscuits with Karen, just _wow_ , he can do this for the rest of his life.

_Zayn is sixteen when he’s sent to live with the Paynes._

It’s the first time he can say he’s home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it took so long to write! Happy endings always take me forever to want to write, but Zayn definitely deserved one this time. Thanks for reading!


End file.
